You,

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I have no idea what I’m doing. Literally no clue. There was a time when I thought I understood things, but that time has come and gone. There was a time when I believed I understood God and what His plan was for me. There was a time when I thought I knew what my life was supposed to be: Office job, nice wife, three kids, church on Sunday, and a vacation every two years.

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All of that changed when you came back—the one who got away.

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After 14 years, we got in deeper than we anticipated this time. We can’t have each other. At least not right now. We said we would let Christ guide us. We said we would heal and come back to each other, if that was His plan for us.

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I’m not supposed to be madly in love with another woman. I’m not supposed to dream of you. I’m not supposed to wish, every second of every day, that it was you. I’m not supposed to wake up at night reaching out for you, only to come up empty-handed each time. But I do.

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This will be my new safe place—a place to send you walls of text. To tell you everything I can no longer say. You always said my walls of text were your favorite to wake up to. I hope you still feel that way. I hope these words jump off the page at you. I hope they help you remember us.

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—Me

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To anyone who stumbles across this by chance, please be kind. I love Christ with all my heart, but I love this woman so much—and I can’t quit her. At the risk of everything, I can’t quit her. This is my love story for her.